Day 29
No one can promise they’ll never hurt you, because at one time or another they will. The real promise is if the time you spent together will be worth the pain in the end.
was that worth the pain?
why is it like this everytime i see her name. everything would come back drowning me alone with everything.
was i not prepared for this? i guess i DID try to prepare and lied that i was prepared. but in actual fact? i wasnt. i lied so that i could sleep at night. i lied so that i can continue to carry the smile on my face. but what if all these lies comes back at you. isnt it normal for couples to hold hands? why is my heart sinking again when clarence told me that. can i hate him for telling me that? no i guess not. it was my own fault for not stopping him. but what more can i ask, when i am also the one who wants to hear it more than him.
i am trapped in a quicksand. everyone is reaching out their hands for me. but my hands just stayed by my side. when can i have to courage to move my hand? when can i finally reach for their hands. but it seems i am sinking deeper as time goes on.
everyone was trying hard to cheer me up. i guess i was being difficult to them. sorry guys. but i guess u wont be able to see this. i will be better next time.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Day 26
Oftentimes we say goodbye to the person we love without wanting to. Though that doesn’t mean that we've stopped loving them or we've stopped to care. Sometimes goodbye is a painful way to say I love you.
"the book got use ma?"
how can i ans "yea it helped alot" when all i did was to throw it in one corner hoping that i will nv see it again...
"why never reply me"
how did i ans "i cant.." when i dont want to...
"why"
how did i ans "tutorial" when all i did was to ignore her chat...
Why did my heart sink again when she talked to me... why was i hesitant to reply her... why was it all lies when it came out of my mind... why..did my tears drop again when she believed my lies...why do i have to act uninterest when all i want now is to talk to her.
1500H :D listen jokes from zul, cs, mj, zx
1503H *-) she talked to me
1720H :( walking home
1724H :) someone replied sms
1911H :D msn talking to someone
2103H :DD slide spongebob slide with clarence
2311H :D wished upon 11.11
2330H :( she talked to me
2333H :'( i replied
0002H :| posted this
Oftentimes we say goodbye to the person we love without wanting to. Though that doesn’t mean that we've stopped loving them or we've stopped to care. Sometimes goodbye is a painful way to say I love you.
"the book got use ma?"
how can i ans "yea it helped alot" when all i did was to throw it in one corner hoping that i will nv see it again...
"why never reply me"
how did i ans "i cant.." when i dont want to...
"why"
how did i ans "tutorial" when all i did was to ignore her chat...
Why did my heart sink again when she talked to me... why was i hesitant to reply her... why was it all lies when it came out of my mind... why..did my tears drop again when she believed my lies...why do i have to act uninterest when all i want now is to talk to her.
1500H :D listen jokes from zul, cs, mj, zx
1503H *-) she talked to me
1720H :( walking home
1724H :) someone replied sms
1911H :D msn talking to someone
2103H :DD slide spongebob slide with clarence
2311H :D wished upon 11.11
2330H :( she talked to me
2333H :'( i replied
0002H :| posted this
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Day 25
You brace and hold it all inside
It's more than you can stand
No one around even tries
Tries to understand
And though you stand in place
Your mind escapes
Read between the lies
Smile's on your face
You fake like you're okay
Was told that she got eye contact with me too. but she quickly turned away, like i do. am i even suppose to be happy? happy that she did not see my down side? or sad that she turned away.
I saw smth i shouldnt have again. but why am i still running away. i need to accept things as they are.. i cannot stop what others think. i cannot stop what others say. and i cannot stop them from being tgt. i can only stop...myself from clinging on. but why am i still hanging on. wishing that one day they would break and she will come to me? i hope not. this better not happen.. cuz i will really blame myself for giving in that day.
come to think of it. what will the situation be now if i didnt give in that day? a though of him close to giving up came to my mind. did i lose that chance? or was i only thinking too much. none of these thoughts matters anymore. they are tgt now and i have to accept that. theres nth more i can do..but to let go...
You brace and hold it all inside
It's more than you can stand
No one around even tries
Tries to understand
And though you stand in place
Your mind escapes
Read between the lies
Smile's on your face
You fake like you're okay
Was told that she got eye contact with me too. but she quickly turned away, like i do. am i even suppose to be happy? happy that she did not see my down side? or sad that she turned away.
I saw smth i shouldnt have again. but why am i still running away. i need to accept things as they are.. i cannot stop what others think. i cannot stop what others say. and i cannot stop them from being tgt. i can only stop...myself from clinging on. but why am i still hanging on. wishing that one day they would break and she will come to me? i hope not. this better not happen.. cuz i will really blame myself for giving in that day.
come to think of it. what will the situation be now if i didnt give in that day? a though of him close to giving up came to my mind. did i lose that chance? or was i only thinking too much. none of these thoughts matters anymore. they are tgt now and i have to accept that. theres nth more i can do..but to let go...
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Day 21
This isn't a perfect world, people gets hurt. You have to smile when you are sad. Laugh, when you feel like crying. Act like you're okay when you're falling apart, but most important of all, you got to let go and move on...because there's nothing else you can do...anymore.
Scouts rally. The day i wished for to come faster 22 days ago. The day i wished it nv came 21 days ago. Everything went well in the morning, before she came. But he was already sms-ing her. And my phone was silent..too silent. Not until i talk to clarence. I tot i was already fine with him sms-ing her. since thats what they SHOULD be doing..i cannot stop them. i cannot do anything.
my feeling came true again..for the 5th time. his phone rang 2 times with the sms tone without him answering. i tot that it was her telling him that she had reached the place. turns out that 5mins later, eugene pointed that yuan ching is here. somehow i looked eagly for her. wishing to see her face after so long. suatkee had to pass some plastic bag which is used for advertising to ycss. she dragged desmond and him along...leaving me and rahmat behind. i felt redundant to go...since i have chosen this path. so i stayed on.
half way through. saw them talking to each other. i tot i was prepared for this 21 days ago. looks like i wasnt. she looks happy. maybe thats all that matters. but why are they still afraid to do this infront of me. why behind the tents. why run away when i saw them. what can i even do. i choose not to look. i choose to run away from reality.
she looked at me a few times. i did not smile. neither did i wave nor say hi. all i did, was to escape. did she saw me looking away? i hope not. other wise all the fake smile i had carried would just flow off to the drain. we are like strangers now. no. its worst than that.
the sevars now knows that him and her are tgt. he had also admitted. looks like we will be hearing more of her name around tables from today on...time to practice to laugh when they tease him about her.
what can i do... nth came to my head.
This isn't a perfect world, people gets hurt. You have to smile when you are sad. Laugh, when you feel like crying. Act like you're okay when you're falling apart, but most important of all, you got to let go and move on...because there's nothing else you can do...anymore.
Scouts rally. The day i wished for to come faster 22 days ago. The day i wished it nv came 21 days ago. Everything went well in the morning, before she came. But he was already sms-ing her. And my phone was silent..too silent. Not until i talk to clarence. I tot i was already fine with him sms-ing her. since thats what they SHOULD be doing..i cannot stop them. i cannot do anything.
my feeling came true again..for the 5th time. his phone rang 2 times with the sms tone without him answering. i tot that it was her telling him that she had reached the place. turns out that 5mins later, eugene pointed that yuan ching is here. somehow i looked eagly for her. wishing to see her face after so long. suatkee had to pass some plastic bag which is used for advertising to ycss. she dragged desmond and him along...leaving me and rahmat behind. i felt redundant to go...since i have chosen this path. so i stayed on.
half way through. saw them talking to each other. i tot i was prepared for this 21 days ago. looks like i wasnt. she looks happy. maybe thats all that matters. but why are they still afraid to do this infront of me. why behind the tents. why run away when i saw them. what can i even do. i choose not to look. i choose to run away from reality.
she looked at me a few times. i did not smile. neither did i wave nor say hi. all i did, was to escape. did she saw me looking away? i hope not. other wise all the fake smile i had carried would just flow off to the drain. we are like strangers now. no. its worst than that.
the sevars now knows that him and her are tgt. he had also admitted. looks like we will be hearing more of her name around tables from today on...time to practice to laugh when they tease him about her.
what can i do... nth came to my head.
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